Say what?
Partners now are eager to attend births instead of pacing in the halls. With this change, partners are having to become more familiar with what is normal during birth and how they can help (and feel like they are still in their comfort zone). When the woman you love is in labour, it can be difficult to find the right words to say, so here are a few suggestions that you can use or change to make them your own:
- I love you
- You are strong
-You are safe
- You are amazing and I am so proud of you
- You ARE doing it!
- You are beautiful
No matter what you say, let the words come from your heart
There are also many moments when there are no words. Your eyes and your touch can convey your intentions, so be gentle, and caring.
Add your favourites below – what worked for you? Lets share and make a great list of ideas!
Silent and Unspoken Grief
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This is a difficult topic, not just because of the nature of the topic, but also because for me, this hits home.
I lost two of my own children. Personally, they were both ctopic pregnancies, where the embryo implants outside the uterus. The first required surgery because it ruptured my fallopian tube before the doctors could figure out what was going on. The second was caught earlier and I had to take a chemotherapy medication, which made me feel awful on many levels.
For those who have a miscarriage or early pregnancy loss, talking about it can be difficult. Just being pregnant for a day or a week, you already get attached to the little being and caring for them. Yet, when others may not have known you were pregnant or you weren’t showing, they just assume you will try again and everything will be good.
I can’t speak for anyone but myself and my experiences. I know I was frustrated that even though I took these measures to save my life (the first one I lost 2 Litres of blood internally), the medical system terms them as abortions. I despise that word being associated with my children that I wanted in my life. It just feels wrong. How can you heal from something positively when the systems in place just want to put you in a neat box to file away?
It has taken time and in my own ways, I have come to terms with everything but I am still saddened.
I also know others who have lost children at a variety of stages and it can be hard as an outsider to know what to say. The reality is, there isn’t anything you can say…but what you can do is listen and be present.
If you really feel like you need to *do* something, try making some food and dropping it off. There is still a need for healing and when your heart hurts so much, cooking isn’t a priority for many. It is a simple gesture but incredibly meaningful, supportive, and caring.
To all those who have been touched by loss, I’m sorry and tonight my candle is lit for you and your children.
A doula for every woman
You leave your training as a new doula learning the ropes. It is wonderful, exciting, and it should be a great adventure of beautiful births, happy moms and babies, extended families…
The reality is, many doulas leave the profession sooner than they would like because being a doula is also for many running your own business. It can be difficult, daunting, and be the source of many sleepless nights. Some doulas organize themselves into collectives or doula groups where there are more than one doula and they supoprt each other but the business part still has to happen.
I was watching a video today about Niche by Molly Gordon and she said some very insightful things that brought forward this thought: Doulas really believe that there is a perfect doula for every woman. Yet when doulas leave training, they offer their services to every woman who comes along, whether it is a good fit or not. This marketing method isn’t healthy for you as the doula or for the family you are supporting.
I know a fabulous doula who has great experience but I see her niche (or perfect client) as twin moms. Why? She has so much pride in herself about being a twin mom, nursing them – exclusively (yes, that requires great commitment). She not only has the professional experience to know how things will play out but she has the personal connection that also furthers the client connection. This doesn’t mean she only works with mothers of multiples but it gives her a focus. It also adds to her credibility in her field (but personal experience isn’t the only way to have that credibility). The last and best thing for her is that it makes her referrable. By that I mean, moms talk! A mother of twins will often ask around for other mothers of twins and will be able to say “this is the doula you want and here is why…”
Molly Gordon said this (and I am paraphrasing here)…imagine being in a bookstore shopping for a cookbook. If the cookbooks were all general, how would you know if it had the types of recipes you wanted? You would just have to pull them off the shelf and look and hope for the best. However, when a book is labeled Italian cooking, cooking with beans, meals under 30 minutes, we know what the book is about and we can narrow down which ones is for us, and which ones aren’t.
When we pick our focus area or niche, we are bringing value to our community!
I want to leave you with one last thought…if you set out to be everything to everyone, it will be hard for them to narrow down what makes you unique, what makes you stand out and why they would love to get to work with you.
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with Molly Gordon but appreciate her sharing her time and information through the telesumit created by Client Love Connection.
Natural vs Normal Birth
Is there a difference between having a natural birth and a normal birth? I would say yes there is.
To me, a natural birth means birth the way that comes naturally to you. This may mean that you have some kind of intervention. You may be okay with an epidural or an IV for antibiotics. Even simple fetal monitoring is an intervention. This is the type of birth where you are comfortable with what is happening in the room.
From my perspective, normal birth is the way birth is when it is undisturbed. This isn’t how we traditionally birth our babies anymore but it is the way it used to be done. This is the type of birth where there is patience, trust, and reverence. I would argue that it *could* happen in a hospital setting, it isn’t usually the case with the protocols in place. Doesn’t mean impossible though.
The power of our language and our terminologies carry a lot of weight – they can make women feel like they have failed, that their body didn’t live up to their expectations. The discourse we choose may be how we refer to ourselves, what names we use for different parts of our bodies, and these should be respected.
What language do you prefer to use? What do these words mean to you?
My (unsolicited) advice: tell your team what language you wish to use. Honour yourself by birthing within your own paradigm, your own language, your own beliefs.
You don’t need an ultrasound to connect with your baby
Ultrasounds in pregnancy have become more than a diagnostic tool, especially with the availability of 3D ultrasounds. You can spend a few hundred dollars and see your baby for about an hour, take home a number of detailed pictures and some places even offer a video option.
What saddens me now is that women believe that if they can’t schedule a 3D ultrasound or don’t have the money for it, they are missing an opportunity to connect with their babies.
Now, this post isn’t about the benefits and risks of ultrasound and currently there has been a lot published about the topic – if you are curious, I’d love to give you some studies to read.
Here are some ways to connect with your baby that are more meaningful than having a technologist tell you about your baby:
- Talk to your baby as you go about your day. Talk about what you are making for lunch, where you are heading for the weekend, the interesting cupcake shop you just passed.
- Read your baby a story every day. Some studies have shown a decress in baby’s stress responses when they hear a familiar story they heard in the womb after they are born. Songs work too, even if it is your favourite top 40 radio song.
- Play a game with your baby! When your baby kicks, poke back!
- Make a belly cast with your partner. They are beautiful keepsakes and the kits are easily available.
- Get your belly pained – even if it is by your older children.
- Take a few quiet moments daily and let your mind imagine what your baby is doing in the womb
- Treat yourself to a massage. Babies love to feel their mothers being relaxed – and the hormones that are released also relax babies. Don’t forget to massage baby too!
- Learn to tell what position your baby is in – it isn’t hard and here is a guide that will show you how (scroll down and the details are there)
Remember that you are the best person to get to know your baby. No money or technology will every be able to replace your loving connection. Don’t give your power away as a parent to someone with some gel and a “magic wand”.
I would encourage you to try some of these! Tell me how the experience went on the facebook page - you can even share pictures of painted bellies and belly casts!
I cry over spilled milk!
Breastmilk that is…
Daily, I sit on my bed and break out my pump. I listen to the rhythmic sounds that could easily put me back to sleep (and sometimes do!). I get excited when I hear the sounds of little splashes of milk being added as the pump does it’s work. I get tempted to look at “how much” I got. I try to focus on my little one or if he is sleeping, distract myself with twitter. Sometimes, if I am feeling brave, I will take it out a second time.
I have never been one to get a ton of milk pumping. I know that it is no indication of how much milk I make for my baby. It was like that with my daughter too, but I could pump even less. My baby is much more efficient at taking out the milk and I prefer that 100% to pumping.
I am laughing at myself today.
It is an art (and maybe even a science) at how I work to save every last drop of this great stuff. I tilt it back to try and get the drops from the flange to go in, and if I can’t, at least I will put it to good use to prevent cracks or help heal a cut. Every last drop goes into the bag I use to store the milk. I will let it drip, try to shake it out, or tap it. I bet it would be hilarious to watch me do this. Yet, every day it is the same routine.
Having the milk available means that I can continue to support other families knowing mine is taken care of. Just like I make sure I buy groceries with lots of healthy produce, I make sure I store milk.
If my freezer were to stop working and I lost all my milk, I would cry. I would cry if I knocked it over as I was trying to grab the container. Not only is it time and effort that went down the drain (pardon the pun) but breastmilk is one of those irreplacable miracles. What I pumped then, will never be exactly the same again. Of course, I could pump again and add another few ounces but the water/fat content, the antibodies, even the taste of the food I recently ate – that would be different.
It’s okay to cry over spilled milk – after all, it is a precious gift for growing little people!
Disclaimer: In the writing of this blog post, no breastmilk was harmed 
Appreciation in challenges
I was writing my outline this morning for a meeting about breastfeeding challenges and was looking for some great quotes to end off the night. Here is one that stood out:
Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
-Joshua J. Marine
Life is full of challenges. I know I have seen many – my guess is we can all say the same. Even fairly recently, I had a breastfeeding challenge. After my son was born, my instinct told me to see if he had a tongue tie. I didn’t look for about 20 hours since that though crossed my mind and it turns out, he did. I am grateful that I knew which clinics did the tongue tie release and who was open that day of the week so I could get in as quickly as possible.
When it comes to overcoming breastfeeding challenges, the hours you put in, the care you take to find the right care provider/support person, the learning you do from books and the internet – these are all for the benefit of your baby. You may not notice right away but it deepens your bond and through the experience, it teaches you even more than you would have thought possible. It becomes easier to read feeding cues, you can tell the difference between wiggling because they are tired or because they are uncomfortable. When you overcome these challenges, you become an expert quicker than if things had gone well.
Keeping breastfeeding as the example, when it goes well, you could put baby down for a nap, have a few minutes to enjoy a warm meal, maybe even talk on the phone for a little while. When you are challenged, you need all of your attention and all of your resources. The tongue tie to me seems minor in comparison to my earlier breastfeeding challenge – breastfeeding a premature baby born with a condition that blocks (in her case) one nostril. For four months, I had to deal with the very frequent feedings day and night. I pumped around the clock so I could use that milk to supplement her with a tube at the breast. I saw many lactation consultants and for months went for weekly weight checks. I even lived in the NICU with her the three weeks she was admitted to make sure that I was around for her feedings. Although this challenge is extreme compared to the last, it taught me more about breastfeeding than I could have imagined possible but more importantly, I got to know my daughter much quicker. I also developed meaningful connections with birth and lactation professionals who have been inspirational and of course wonderful, knowledgeable resources.
Whether you are trying to conceive, pregnant, in labour, or “simply” parenting, there may be challenges. It is when we face them head on, when we bring all of our resources to the table and open ourselves up to the world to teach us what we need to know – that is when we overcome the struggle. It may be years still until we learn to appreciate those challenges and the lessons they have taught us.
What challenges have you faced? What lessons were you able to take away from them?
