A doula’s letter to expectant dads
Dear Dad,
Congratulations on expecting a new baby! Yep, you are expecting too, even if you aren’t the one growing a bigger belly or getting kicked all night long.
I know labour is coming soon and that seems like no-man’s land. Whether it is your first or not, it can still feel like new territory and you aren’t in her shoes. You can only guess at what she is feeling from what she looks like or what she says, but keep reading, because you can actually go deeper.
I know you love your lady and it may be hard to watch her as she works so hard to bring your baby into the world. You care for her so deeply and you want her to have the best experience. Sometimes we suggest things in labour that may be counter intuitive, like getting an epidural to feel better, when it could actually make labour progress slower, and even make her believe that her body isn’t meant to birth her baby. Here is a secret: when her body starts those contractions, it also releases endorphins to help make her feel better. Don’t get me wrong, it can be a lot of work, but if you can believe in her and let her voice what she needs in that moment (pain medication or not), she will never forget that.
So I want to share with you what you can do to help her be strong in her mind and body and support her in the very best way you can. Afterall, she wants you there and even more importantly, she needs you there.
Remember, you bring something special to this birth – your love for her and your baby and no one in that room will be able to give her that gift. That love, those tender moments where you look into her eyes, when you whisper in her ear “I believe in you, you are strong” and “you are doing amazing” will help her confidence soar. It will also affect her hormones – you better believe it. It will help her body release the love hormone, oxytocin, that will help the labour progress. And if you can, sneak in a kiss 
You also bring another beautiful gift – protection. That is your little bear cub and your vulnerable mama bear. You want her to feel like she has the space to move, to speak her mind, and to go within herself to do this amazing work. If you can keep her safe, answer questions to keep her in her “zone” and stop people from interrupting, you are giving her every chance to work with the tools she has for this journey.
It can be a lot to remember, overwhelming at times, hard to know what is normal and what is not. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I want you to remember this day fondly too because it is also your birth experience. I want you to be able to say that you supported her in the best way you could and together you made an excellent team. If you want a quiet third member, remember that a doula is always there for you. She can guide you, help you protect the sacred birthing space, and reassure you when something comes up.
Dad – know you are going to do great! I know you have been doing so much already. More help around the house, financial preparations, and maybe even some massages to help her feel better. Take a few moments to yourself, treat yourself to something special, and see yourself enjoying your birth.
Wishing you all the best in birth and beyond,
Your loving doula
Going with the flow
After teaching one of the classes in my prenatal series last night, I was greeted with 90km/hr winds pushing everything in it’s way. It was rough and caught me by surprize from the warm and still insides of the building.
Initially, my reaction was to fight it. I wanted to stand my ground and say “look wind, this is the way I am going and there isn’t anything you can do about it”. That was hard. The more I pushed to get through, the more it felt like it pushed me back, sometimes even literally. Then I noticed something – when I let go of my determination to go straight through but instead gave in a little, I was able to move with more freedom. Seemed a little strange but the more I gave, the further I went…in the direction I wanted. No power struggles, just two life forces doing their thing in harmony.
Of course, this all has a point. It got me thinking about birth and contractions (since that was a discussion point in class last night). When we fight those contractions, they are hard, even unbearable. We tend to get tense and tell them to follow our lead.
Yet we should be working on doing the exact opposite. When we let the contractions do their work, when we ride each wave with patience and surrender, our bodies can do it’s greatest work. Our bodies are so powerful, it can easily feel like those 90km/hr wind gusts, but if we let them do their jobs, we will find our way through the stages of labour with more ease, with more joy, and even peace.
If you are a partner who will be supporting a woman in labour, helping her surrdender to her body, to it’s innate wisdom to birth, and helping protect that space will be one of the most helpful things you can do. She will let you know when something isn’t working, whether she is using her words or not.
Try it – next time it is windy, or next time the wave of contractions (you can use those Braxton-Hicks contractions to practice), give yourself permission to surrender powerfully to the awe and beauty of it all. See how it feels when you stop resisting and start moving in the same direction.
Why seeing women breastfeed is such a big deal
How do you know a woman is breastfeeding? Often she will go to a nursing room in a store or a mall or if there is no where to go, she may put on a nursing cover (a big blanket kind of thing) and get the baby latched on. That is a big sign post for me that she is breastfeeding. Yet at the same time, it draws our attention to her with the pretty colours or just because it stands out that she is wearing an apron in the middle of the mall or restaurant.
We also have pictures being taken off of Facebook these days of women breastfeeding their babies because it is “sexually explicit content”. But what is being shared in those moments captured on film is nothing sexual, it is feeding and bonding.
So why am I adding my voice to all the fuss?
How do you know the baby is latched on correctly? How can you tell the difference between drinking and just sucking? How do you hold a baby at the breast? We learned the answers to these questions by having other women around us breastfeeding. Our mothers, aunts, siblings, but now our vision of babies being fed is using a bottle. In the last few generations, we have lost that transmission of information – so much so that we now pay for classes, lactation consultants, read books, watch videos, all to learn something that would have been shared by family and close friends. Of course, I teach classes to help you get started breastfeeding, refer to lactation consultants and books – but all because the information sharing has to start again.
When we keep breastfeeding hidden, it tells other women that it really isn’t okay, that you should be ashamed of the way your body works to nourish your baby.
Women who are breastfeeding aren’t trying to flaunt what they have; they just want to feed their baby. Many will wear layered clothing to minimize the amount of skin showing, nurse their babies before heading out, but when a baby is hungry, they are hungry. It is much easier for mom and baby’s stress levels just to let them nurse and be on their way. When a mother is nursing, you likely won’t see a whole lot of exposed breast since the baby’s head is in the way (and part of it in baby’s mouth).
We know the benefits of breastfeeding over formula and bottle feeding.
Now is the time to help women reclaim breastfeeding as the way to feed our infants.
Did you know that even though the majority of moms and babies leave the hospital breastfeeding, by 3 months, that number is significantly smaller?
Everytime a woman has the chance to see someone else feed (and I don’t mean intently watch her either), she gets to know that it is normal, natural, and beautiful. She sees the simplicity. She knows that it is possible for her too. And that is something worth sharing.
