Out of touch

A client calls and tells me about her recent visit with her doctor. "The baby was head down in the ultrasound today. My doctor says that is a good thing and the baby's size looks normal too". Great! I'm so excited for her and that things are moving forward. 

While all this is happening, I visit another client and while explaining that after birth, the nurses will check to make sure her uterus is getting smaller again by feeling for her fundus (the top of her uterus), she looks at me a little puzzled. So I ask if her doctor is measuring her belly at appointments and she says no.

These stories are becoming so common that my heart breaks. Pregnancy is such a huge change emotionally, spiritually, and physically and it seems like we are now also afraid to touch her growing baby. Instead, we rely on technology to tell us what is there. 

But what I am afraid of most of all...

Is that when we rely solely on technology, we tell our pregnant moms that they can't get this information for themselves. That their hands will never be able to feel their baby's position. That they cannot connect through touch - and I see routinely that many women are craving that tender, loving touch.

I may not be able to change the way medicine is practiced single-handedly, and I'm not sure that is what I want to tackle. 

I want the power to be found within your own hands.

It is your body and your baby...and I want you to accept your all-access pass to put your hands on yourself and your baby as often as you like and explore. You will feel round-hard parts, bumpy parts, get kicked a few times, and with time your hands will come to know what all those parts are. Feel free to let your partner explore too and see if together you can determine what you feel or simply play with your growing baby. Babies, even in utero, are fans of massage.

If you are not sure where to start...

Take your hands and place them on your belly, anywhere you like. Take some big breathes and send them into your belly so you feel your hands expand too. No rush. Your baby will move, your baby will grow, and even if your hands never move from those spots, you will feel your baby...and your baby will feel you.

Communication at the speed of light

We live in the technology age - everything is fast. We want our internet connections, cars, food, anything really - faster. 

Our communication isn't left out of that trend - text messages, getting emails on smart phones just about instantly, short forms like lol or rofl.

I spent some time thinking about this while I took about 90 youth camping this past weekend. I volunteer with this youth organization and I in my position, I am responsible for all of the activities and managing our staff group of about 20 (not to mention almost 200 teens). In speaking with a staff member, I realized that we needed to deepen our communications - there was so much that was being left out due to the sheer speed that we have been working at and we needed to slooowww down.

The interesting part is that when we slow down, take our time, we actually go much further. We are all on the same page, we get more accomplished, and we stop running into little bumps on the road (which were potential problems we overlooked when we worked too fast).

But I couldn't help but see this same trend in the birthing room. We have lovely nurses (don't get me wrong) but at the same time, our system has other pressures on them and other demands that require their time. Usually, the nurse comes in for 2-3 minutes every half hour. The rest of the time, she might be covering for another nurse, catching up on charting or trying to liase with the doctor (that you see once every 4 hours or so until you get very close to having your baby). 

I hear about it from women too, who go to see their doctor - the story is almost always the same - they spend over an hour waiting to get in to their appointment, then only get 5 minutes or less of the doctor's time. And if they are low risk, the doctor waves them off like they aren't "exciting" enough to focus on.

I can also recall one of the most beautiful births I attended. A few years ago, I worked with a family who was Deaf. I learned sign language through high school and university - I'm not a super fast signer but not too bad either. I supported this family in their hospital birth and there was also an interpreter present for the hospital staff. Sign language grammar is very different and the way things are phrased isn't quite like English, so the nurse or doctor had to really take their time to explain procedures clearly so the interpreter got enough information to then relay that to the parents. It was amazing to see the difference those few extra minutes can make in helping a family get comfortable in their surroundings, feel good about their decisions, and stop wondering about all the "what if's" that come with having a baby. I was filled with gratitude for the nurse who took her time to help that family get clear and feel good about what was happening. Her support and patience helped us all enjoy the lovely day and celebrate their newest family member.

When we don't take those few minutes, I can't help but feel that we are leaving so much out of our communications with each other. When we shorten the time limits on our conversations, when we take out important pieces like tone of voice or facial expression, we are missing parts of the whole. We are slowly learning (and teaching ourselves) to ignore these important pieces of communication and focus just on the facts. We tell ourselves, consciously or not, that our hearts are not important in the process.

And then we wonder why the decisions still don't sit right...we wonder why we have growing numbers of people with anxiety and depression, why many people feel so lonely even though they can connect with anyone around the globe in an instant.

This week, let's slow things down. Let's connect in meaningful ways with the people who are important in our lives. I think when we start there and get used to it, it will spread into our other relationships. Why not write a love note for your partner? Maybe even one of those love letters like we see in the movies. The last time my partner and I sent each other mail was almost 8 years ago! How nice is it to get snail mail that isn't a bill or some other adverstising.

Let's stop accepting these quick exchanges as a replacement for real connection. Connection can happen quickly at times but why not put the focus on the heart and let that be our guide.

Do you think we are leaving things out when we cut our communications short? How are you going to challenge yourself this week to slow down and connect? I'm going to write a long overdue letter...

Getting started through volunteering

When many doulas get started, they may have enrolled in a certification program that requires their attendance at a certain number of births, amoung other criteria. These births are meant to encourage the new doula to get some experience - since every birth is different, it only scratches the surface. 

One way some new doulas will get out there is by attending volunteer births. That seems like a fair trade - the new doula gets to learn and the mom/family who couldn't afford the support gets some help. 

It sounds wonderful all around...except it isn't.

I served some time as the volunteer coordinator for a provincial doula organization and what I can say is many of the people who qualified for volunteer support had some complicated situations. It varied widely but sometimes these women had histories of abuse, drug use, contagious diseases, big pregnancy complications, etc. Of course, as many doulas are kind and loving people, we want to help.

These situations however can be downright complicated and even dangerous. When prenatal visits don't happen on your own turf (usually a client's home but you could opt for a middle ground meeting place like a coffee shop). If you don't have a solid understanding of birth, birth support, and a network of people who can support you - you may be in way over your head.

I don't think that not providing support is the key...

I think volunteering is a fabulous thing - and I think these families need support. If you feel called to volunteer in this way, why not reach out to a more experienced doula to see if she might come with you. You will have someone by your side to increase safety, you will have someone who is very comfortable with hospitals and home births, and who can help you take on the added needs that these families may have. If an experienced doula isn't available, at least bring another new doula along. Two heads are better than one and two hearts in the birth room can help beam love when it seems like you have no other ideas of what to do. 

I also want to encourage seasoned doulas to keep doing some volunteer work. Your skills can be such an asset to someone who may feel completely lost in more ways than just birth.

Do I trust birth?

Doulas are generally seen as natural birth advocates. We have had time to sit with the research and we know that for the majority of moms and babies, birth without interference is healthiest.

Of course, doulas are also great mediators. Many attend births in hospital settings and deal with the looks, stares, and and jabs at our own profession. But we do it because the families we are supporting chose that hospital as their birthing space. Of course, some experiences we have in hospitals are lovely, welcoming, beautiful examples of what can happen when we are all on the right team: moms.

I know that all doulas bring their own flavour to their work and for some, they don't support particular types of births, births in specific places, or anything else that doesn't feel right to them (this is a good thing, because they might be awful at supporting you if your choices don't fit theirs).

Well, why do I practice the way I do? Do I practice in hospitals because I love the smell of the cleaner or desire walking into conflict? Do I support the use of epidurals because sometimes I get the chance to rest or it gives my hands a break? No...none of that could be farther from the truth.

I trust the birth process - yes, it works. I know that deep in my bones. Yes, we have meddled with it - I know. But I have also seen medical teams at their finest moments, in some of the toughest complications, and no matter what happened, as I reflect back on these times - we were always in the place where we needed to be, surrounded by the right people.

I practice in such an open-minded style because I trust the women and families I work with to make decisions for themselves. I am always happy to share with them factual information, and they may look at the options and choose very differently from what I might have picked - but none of that matters...they make their own decisions.

Families now have enough pressure from so many different sources to have a medicated birth, unmedicated birth, water birth, birth standing upside down on their head that I don't need to add to that pressure. I need to be there to listen to their process, be where they are right now, get in touch with their own intuitive knowledge, and step forward on their own journey.

I am creating space for women to get to know themselves - some for the very first time. Why should I put limits on how far she is willing to travel and how can I even judge how "far" is "far enough"? I can't. What I can do is help make it a grounded, safe space, be a friend on the journey, show her sights she might be interested in, and celebrate with her all of her accomplishments.

We all practice differently, we all bring different gifts. But the one common thread I can weave through each family I support, is the one that says "I trust you". What better gift to give to new parents - that at least one person in this world is not questioning their judgement and has enough confidence in them to let them explore their own way around. 

I want to leave you with a quote that I love dearly...by Doreen Valiente: "For if that which you seek you find not within yourself, you will never find it without."

Pregnancy, fear, and the ultimate sales pitch.

Right from the start of pregnancy, there is fear. Will the pregnancy continue? What is that ache? How will I take care of this baby?

These are all normal questions but what are the answers? Where do we look for the answers? Our doctors only spend minutes with us at visits. Midwives spend longer amounts of time (30 minutes or so) but again, just once a month until later in the pregnancy. 

We look to the media, the internet, ask friends, and even go to the big baby shows. 

Are these all horrible tools? No, but when you feel like you couldn't manage without it, what does that say about our ability to care for our children...do we need all the stuff?

Let's look at a few examples:

- What if...your baby has a rare disease or disorder. You could take the blood from the umbilical cord and save it as a long term insurance plan. What they don't put out there? It isn't always helpful for the same child (you are using their own cells that could grow up and turn back into the harmful state it was in), babies who don't get their full blood supply from the umbilical cord have more anemia at 6 months old. 

- Your baby, while sleeping in a crib, could stop breathing and if you are asleep, you might not catch it. The solution they present: a baby monitor with a pad that goes under the baby to monitor breathing and will sound an alarm if baby stops breathing. The real deal? Babies roll off, the monitor goes off when the baby is fine, and sometimes parents just can't sleep for fear that the alarm will go off. 

Yuck. But no one wants to harm their baby - not one parent in their right mind. And what if I don't get it? Am I a bad parent, not doing everything I can for my child? 

This pressure is overwhelming! 

So, how can you make choices without the fear trap?

Of course, everyone's situation is different and there are some helpful things out there. There is a time and a place for every item but do they need to be in every household? Probably not. So how can you make good decisions that are right for your family, your heart, and your baby?

1. How do you know you are feeling fear? Think of a situation where you were afraid. Let yourself be back in that time and space, let your body relive those feelings. 

2. Where do you feel fear in your body? Describe it. Really get to feel that and know it.

3. Honour that fear is a useful reaction. It has been around in our bodies to help us survive many thousands of years. Thank the feeling for being there to protect you. 

4. Next time you are in a situation where someone is selling you something, check in with your body. What are you feeling? Is it the same as the feelings you got to know in your body as fear? If so, take a few breaths and make a decision to think about it. 

5. Take the information outside of that situation, have a cup of tea or whatever relaxes you and start to look at it again. If you are still being triggered, what is it telling you. 

The answer to all of the fear: your own intuition. We know how to have babies, we've been doing that too for many thousands of years - and I think we have done a pretty good job around the globe with many different tools, different climates, different ways of life. You will find your way...and that is the only one that will feel right.

What is your fear reaction? Are you feeling the pressure of all the marketing to pregnant women?

Birth Poetry: The strength within

I don't often write about the births I attend, but as I was on my way home, the words started to flow about these intense moments and I managed to get them down so they wouldn't slip away.

Here is my account of a few brief moments...

Panic fills the room as more nurses file in.

Breathing becomes more rapid as a nurse silently but quickly puts an oxygen mask over her face.

She looks around the room in terror for what seems like an eternity.

I take a deep breath and ground down into the cold floor beneath my feet.

I reach for her hand and her eyes meet my gaze.

She looks into my eyes, searching for the part of me who doesn't believe.

Instead, the intensity in her eyes grows as she realizes

That without a doubt, I know she is strong -

Strong enough to handle whatever comes her way.

Our eyes are locked on each other and the other people fade into the background.

The beeping of the fetal monitor, faintly heard.

Her chest now rises and falls with deep intention.

From the background, I hear "we need to go"

And with a nod, she is off.

I know that her strength will carry her through.

So I sit in the hard plastic chair

Surrounded by bags and pillows

I take a breath and send her love and protection

So she can be present as new life from her emerges.

When we reconnect, words still do not suffice.

Our eyes meet and tears swell in her brown eyes.

My heart can only speak to hers:

I always knew you were strong.

Induction - making magic happen

Throughout your pregnancy, you have been making conscious decisions about your body and your baby - avoiding most medications, watching what you eat so you know you are getting your nutrients. It can seem like it took no time at all until you are at 40 weeks and people are wondering "when is this baby coming?" Of course, you want to meet your baby too and you are so close! 

You just hit your due date and with the talk of induction, it seemed like time to face the music. Watching "The Business of Being Born" might have given you an idea about some of the medications and you are scared - terrified really. 

Walking in for an induction can be really scary. You have heard the pros and cons and yet, you might be worried about what happens when you don't. Inductions can fail, babies can hate them, many moms will also choose an epidural. Yet, you can also choose to rock your induction.

Taking that day into your own hands (and by this I don't mean fighting every step of the way) can make your birthing day more enjoyable and increase your chances of success.

1) Be prepared: make sure all your needed items are packed and that everything at home is done the way you wanted. We want to keep your full attention here in the birth room. If something still needs to be done, send someone you trust implicitly to do it for you. It can also help to research and ask your doula about what normally happens so you know how to make this experience your own. Just because you are toting an IV pole doesn't mean you just have to lay there and take it ;)

2) Powerful mind: Your mind can do amazing things - let yourself see the medication going in through your IV as love juice, see it gently opening your cervix and bringing those contractions closer together. Let yourself learn to surf these new contraction waves. Resisting what is happening won't help, so it is also okay to cry, and grieve the labour you may have wanted. It might even be worth embracing your IV as the "in-thing" of the day and knowing that even with it in, there is a lot that you can do and your wishes aren't thrown out the window.

Being open to this new experience can help you own it, even if it isn't what you initially wanted. Let yourself ride the waves, it is the only way you will learn how to surf. 

Celebrating Ceremony

Last week was one of the most nourishing weeks of my time as a doula. Although I've been practicing for some time, I knew there was something missing and some healing that had to happen. This week, it did. I went back to doula school - but it wasn't about the textbook, anatomy and physiology of pregnancy and birth, oils, massage, acupressure points, or any of the doula tools you might imagine. 

The life changing part of me was always inside really there all along, but it was acknowledged and allowed to fly free. 

Ceremony.

When was the last time you were part of a ceremony? Some of the few we have left are weddings and funerals. Ceremony used to be part of how we lived our lives on the farms or as we moved from place to place. We would say thanks for the food, the seeds, the rain, or ask for those very same things to nourish us again. We would gather as women to celebrate pregnancy with story telling and gifts to prepare the home, like food. Now our baby shower gifts consist of toys, blankets, or items for baby but very little (if anything at all) focuses on the transformation of the mother and her emotional journey. 

Those first steps on the path to being a doula are not always easy...and those tough moments come back. At the same time, there are moments we want to celebrate and sing with joy. Where can we share these? This week allowed us to let go of things that were not serving us and make space to grow something new, to cut cords that were weighing us down, to bring healing to the heart, and to feel whole. The beauty of ceremony is that no matter what your beliefs, ceremony can be just about anything. 

One of my favourites is some of the long walks I take near the Don Valley River when the weather is nice. I love the sound of the running water. But on days where something is weighing on my heart, I pick up a pebble or a stone and see it as that weight and make the conscious decision to let it go. I throw it into the water where it is washed clean. Ahhh... I feel it already. Simple. Easy. Beautiful. And most importantly - results. 

Big thanks goes to MotherWit doulas Lesley and Megan for celebrating ceremony with us. Together, we joined as women on the path of being a doula. We left as a sisterhood of women: proud, strong, intuitive, creative. And that is something to be celebrated. 

How do you use ceremony in your life? Have you considered celebrating your pregnancy with ceremony or including some as part of your baby shower?

Spring cleaning that can actually help your labour progress!

The sun is starting to come out here and with every day that goes by, I can see that outside, people are starting to shed their layers. The parkas and scarves are being replaced by fleece sweaters (and they don't mind if the snowbanks are still 3 feet or more). Spring cleaning is also starting to happen and we are letting go of what isn't working for us, things that have served their purpose, or what is holding us back. 

We do this too as we prepare for birth, although we focus on the physical world, the tangible. We reorganize closet space for another person, we install safety latches on door knobs and drawers, we give rooms a fresh coat of paint. For all the mamas going through the nesting phase, near the end of pregnancy, maybe you on your hands and knees scrubbing the bathtub or kitchen floor the old fashion way (nothing wrong with that though!). 

We tend to overlook some inner work that could use some of the same spring cleaning and bring some vitality into ourselves. We don't overlook it on purpose though - inner work just isn't easy, especially when what we need to sort through is painful and possibly even baggage we have been carrying around for most of our lives. It can be heavy, weighing us down, and well, it started out by simply pitching a tent in our precious mind-space and over time, it established a long standing mansion. 

Often what holds us back in labour doesn't have a physical cause. Your baby could be in a great position, you can have had an active pregnancy, ate healthy yadda yadda yadda, but be stuck in early labour for days or have contractions that just aren't helping you progress. Most often, the answers here are in your mind and heart. Our minds and our bodies speak to each other without our conscious awareness and birth just has a tendency to bring stuff up. It can seem trivial or huge but either way, when we stuff it away the brain chooses to simply talk to the body without making your brain a part of the conversation. 

I want to share some simple steps to do some spring cleaning of your own and hopefully shed some layers so you can move into a more comfortable space (and take over some very valuable mind realty again).

1. Take some time to just sit and breathe. Get to know how your body is feeling physically. Without trying to change it. Just acknowledge how you feel in this very moment without judgment. Then bring your attention to your emotions. What comes up? Maybe a colour, a feeling, or a sensation you don't have words to describe. That's great. Breathe here for a few more moments. 

2. Lean into the feelings that come up and ask what is the significance in this context. Is it useful, frustrating, do you feel like you are spinning your wheels? Then ask to see if there is anything deeper below that reaction...and below the next. Just like taking off bulky winter clothing, we want to do it gently, slowly or else we might go too far where we are actually hurting ourselves by exposing our skin to the cold air. Do it comfortably and let yourself spend time in each layer getting used to the temperature. 

3. Wherever you are, that's fine. Next, take a breath and ask that inner wisdom, the wisdom of the wise woman in each of us (whom I refer to as our birth goddess) to show you what next steps you can take. Should this be something to let go since it already served its purpose or maybe you want to start reading some birth affirmations or even start a gratitude practice. Whatever you come up with, make sure you can put it in a calendar so you can be accountable to yourself.

4. How does that feel? 

5. Take a few minutes to be thankful, to thank that inner birth goddess for sharing this guidance with you, no matter how big or small. 

Ahhh...it feels more spacious just to get that out there. How does this spring cleaning feel for you? What came up? Was it unexpected? 

Come on over and share on the blog so we can witness each other or if you want something a little quieter, just hit reply and it will come to my inbox.

MYTH: Planning an epidural? Don't bother with a doula.

Just like gossip spreads like wildfire, myths seem to have the same speed. Yet, getting the truth out can be really slow, especially after the myth has touched so many people's ears. Yesterday, I came face-to-face with yet another myth about doulas: that if you are planning an epidural, there is no point in having a doula. 

Although a doula is often familiar with natural birth, normal birth, or birth without medications and interventions, she also knows the other side of the coin. We do attend birth with women who want epidurals, whether they had that decided right from the start, or make that decision as the labour progresses. Our role is to help you get information about your options and you decide what is best for you and your family. 

That being said, it can often seem like a mystery about what a doula does when a woman chooses to have an epidural. Does she just cozy up with a good book for hours on end? 

Here are a few things a doula can assist with when mom has an epidural. It isn't an exhaustive list but something to get the ball rolling:

- she can help you understand when your labour has started and when you are far enough along that you could have an epidural 

- she can help you cope with contractions until the anesthesiologist is available, which can at times be quick, and other times a bit slower

- while the epidural is being placed, a doula can support you through staying as still as possible while the anesthesiologist does their thing and the nurse passes tools, opens packages, etc.

- she can help you create birth space that is comfortable, even in the midst of the medical technology

- she can help you manage the swelling in your hands from the IV (part of the package with an epidural)

- she can use acupressure points to help the labour progress, especially if it slowed down (something that can happen with an epidural, for a variety of reasons)

- since an epidural can take away some of the sensation of pushing (for some women), the doula can help with techniques to engage those muscles and help pushing be more effective, and this can help reduce the need to turn to vacuum, forceps, or a c-section

- a doula can help your partner know how to support you during the car ride to the hospital, get familiar with the surroundings (lounge, waiting area, where the jello and popsicles are, etc)

- a doula can help explain some of the medical options that are presented to you both during the birth and after the baby is born

- she can help you get breastfeeding started while the medical staff (doctors, nurses, and midwives) are finishing up their charting, turning off equipment, and preparing for your transfer to the postpartum wing

-she can help you get into positions that help facilitate the baby coming down low, which helps your labour progress, and encourage other positions for pushing that you or your partner may forget to ask for

- a doula will help you prepare prenatally and still visit you after you had your baby to make sure you are recovering well and provide you with resources no matter what you are facing

The real value behind having a doula is to empower your choices. Epidurals are a choice and it is one you can freely make. If you are planning on having an epidural, you can choose to have a doula help you understand what is happening, provide reassurance and support, and continue to guide you through having your baby in your own way. 

It looks to me like there is a lot a doula can do and this is but a short list. Planning an epidural? Bring your doula! She is a wealth of information ready to help you have a birth that feels right for you.

Here is a very quick run down of what to expect for the epidural procedure:

Finding intimacy after having a baby

Valentine's day was a few days ago and a few ads got my attention. IKEA had one running for a free crib for any baby born 9 months from Valentine's day (with proof, of course). But what no one spoke about was for those families who have grown to any number greater than 2 - how do you find this intimacy, especially the first few times after birth?

The first place to start: talking. Women may have worries about how it might feel, if they had stitiches and how those are healing, and their partners might be feeling a bit left out as they have the brunt of the housework and might not feel appreciated. It is good to share these feelings in an open, non-blaming way. Simply express what is true for you and how it makes you feel. As an example "when I'm at work all day and come home to do the laundry, I feel exhausted by the end of the day" or "I'm scared that it will hurt". It is wise to ask if there are any areas that are off-limits (some women won't want their breasts touched for example, or even wear a bra as the milk let-down reflex can happen with orgasm). 

Step two: Schedule it! I know that sounds not romantic at all, but in the beginning, it is too easy to get caught up in the daily routines and in the sleeplessness to let it slip. Put it on the calendar and follow through with it (you can decide what feels right as you go along).

Step three: Set the mood. Putting in a few minutes of effort - maybe a nice blanket, some candles or music. Let yourselves feel that you are taking this important step in reconnecting together.  Maybe it would be fun if each of you brought something special for that day as a bit of a surprize.

Step four: Take it slooowwww. It can be intimidating, uncomfortable and even a bit strange in the weeks (or months) after giving birth. Breastfeeding women tend to be a bit more dry and could use some friendly lube to make things feel a little better. It will allow you to still have that conversation if anything comes up. 

Even though your family has grown, when you are able to stay connected as a couple, the stronger you will be able to stand together. It doesn't mean physical intimacy is a daily requirement (unless that is what you like) but making that time together as a couple is too important. Before you know it, the kids are teenagers and you have to learn to reconnect with each other as if you are just starting to date again. Take the time now and do something special for each other. 

How do you stay connected to your partner?

Breaking the isolation

You just spent the last nine months pouring over the details - how to design the nursery, what classes to take, preparing your replacement at work. In a matter of mere hours, your life has changed forever. You give birth to your baby and very quickly sent home. You've barely slept, your emotional, you aren't quite sure what to do with your new baby and feeding might not be going very well yet. 

Your life quickly becomes contained within your four walls, windows shut tight (cause you are probably struting around topless, it is just easier that way), and your version of social interaction is late night infomercials while shushing a crying baby you don't yet understand. At the end of the day, you aren't quite sure what you "accomplished" as your to-do list is just getting longer. 

The visitors stop coming - they all saw the baby once and now you are expected to carry on and "just know" what to do. With the constant feedings, you barely have time to make a sandwich or use the bathroom. The idea of a shower, it seems almost as far fetched as a trip to an all inclusive resort.

We have effectively shut our new parents away. We are leaving them alone for multiple hours to manage the sleep deprivation, the crying, the uncertainty on their own. In doing so, we have said (implicitly) that they have to get out of this on their own.

Guess what new parents - all this stuff happens, but having to do it on your own, that couldn't be further from the truth. 

Outisde of North America, since we aren't the centre of the universe, there are countries that do things that are "crazy". One country sends you home from the hospital with a baby nurse for two weeks. A couple countries have an expectation of a cultural support system where family members care for you for about a month, or a little more. It would be unheard of for the new parents to make themselves a meal in the kitchen or have to do their own dishes. Some aren't even expected to wash their own hair. 

Yet, we have this idea here that we need to be superheros. Our children do not need us to parent without help. The only type of superhero they need is the parent who wears a bed sheet as a cape with them that runs around the house. 

Open your doors to let the help in. You can structure it in ways that make sense for you. Consider at your shower (or mother blessing), setting up a meal schedule where everyone signs up to bring you food for the first couple of weeks. A few frozen meals in your freezer before the birth doesn't hurt either. A postpartum doula can come in a few days a week to help make sure breastfeeding is going well, that you are taken care of, make sure those meals are coming, and chat with you about how you are healing. 

Some smaller ways to help - open the curtains and get some light, look outside, talk to your baby about what you see, invite friends over - especially if you aren't ready to go out. The best way we can beat this isolation is to talk about it, although it isn't easy. That's what superheroes do - they do what seems impossible. So pick up the phone, reach out, and talk about it! And if you need to get in the mood, grab that bed sheet and tie yourself a cape. 

Is this it? Am I in labour?

The end of pregnancy is filled with fabulous moments anticipation, nervousness, excitement from you and everyone else at home, work, in the family, and even your care provider. It can be hard to be in the moment and relish whatever numbered days you and your baby have being connected in this way. To move together through space and time and have secret conversations, pokes, and wiggles that no one else is able to know.

Every twinge, movement, or Braxton-Hicks contraction (those good warm up contractions) get you wondering...is this really it? Is this the day I am going to meet my baby? You analyze it all! You have the latest apps, you have the watch with a second hand and a pen just in case. You make notes. You search for other early labour signs...WAIT! Was that my mucous plug? 

It might even happen that you have contractions that come regularly and you hop in the car and rush over to your birth space. Hours later, they stop, leaving you disappointed and if you were birthing in a hospital, going back home, maybe feeling stupid. How could I have thought this was it? 

There is one thing that applies just as well in labour as in anything else in life. It's okay to be wrong. It's okay to guess and let the pressure go. I know there are suggested times to call your midwife or go to the labour and delivery assessment room - but they aren't mad when you come in not in labour or call them up to ask questions. That is what they are there for! They know that this is something you are only going to do a handful (more?) of times in your life and this is something they see on a regular basis - they are there to help you, to guide you. 

Is it wrong to be wrong? Some of the best learning happens that way. It is the way our children do a lot of learning. Have you ever watched a child play with a shape sorter? They take the little square block and try to fit it in the round hole. Nope...not there! Hmmm, what about this star shapped thing? Not there either. They keep trying until it fits. When a child is doing something for the first (second, or third, etc) time, we don't scold them for not knowing. We watch them, we let them explore. Maybe we give them some encouragement to keep trying and help them when they feel they need it.

As we have grown up, we continued to explore and being wrong was met with huge dissaproval. I remember very vividly being scolded by my parents for getting "only 98%" on a test and being asked "where the other 2% went?". Good times...NOT! Those moments teach us hold back, bite our tongue, think things through so many times we might not take action when we need to. 

Be wrong sometimes, it is one of the best ways to learn. Put on a diaper backwards and have a good laugh. Take pictures and feel free to change it (or not)...your baby doesn't care if the litte characters or snaps are facing forward or not. None of us are perfect and striving to be perfect is unrealistic pressure for even the best of us. As you are approaching your birthing day, start to let go of some of that need to be perfect and be okay with getting it wrong.

My water just broke! Now what?

Whether the waters release in a big gush or a little trickle down your leg, it is a good sign of things moving forward. It can happen before your contractions start, although that isn't the most common scenario (that's a thing for the movies). Most often, it happens during active labour or even closer to the birth of the baby (4-5cm and onwards) due to the force of the contractions. Just to make sure that you and your baby are doing well, you want to let your health care provider know a few important details.

Here is a simple acronymn to help you remember what to look for and tell them:

C - Colour: what colour is the fluid?

O - Odour: how does it smell? 

A - Amount: is it a little or a big puddle?

T - Time: what time did the waters release? 

That's it! Simple, easy...

But just in case you aren't sure you can tell the difference between amniotic fluid and the good times where you might pee a little in the third trimester, I'll add one more little doula tip. 

To figure it out, put on a sanitary pad and wait it out a bit. You will then be able to have a better look at the colour and odour, which should give you the hint as to what you are experiencing. 

From the doula bag: Rebozo

At our second prenatal visit, we dig through my doula bag and participate in a birth rehearsal. One of tools we explore is a very long piece of colourful, woven cloth called a Rebozo. It is used a great deal in Mexico and Guatemala and when it isn't being used for birth, it can double as a baby carrier or even a shawl. 

I wanted to talk about two particular techniques that you can do with the rebozo and these will work no matter where you choose to give birth. 

This first technique involves tying two knots in the rebozo, one on each end. You take one side of the rebozo and put it over a door, then close it shut so the knot is on the other side of the door from where you are. The rest of the rebozo is hanging down where during contractions you can use it to support you in a squat. This technique can help bring your baby down and open your pelvis to make more space for your baby. As we doulas were practicing this technique, many of us felt a lot of space open up in our shoulders and upper back too. Looking to do this in a hospital? Use the bathroom door instead of the main door so no one opens it unexpectedly. Safety first! 

This second technique is one I taught to a nurse one late night at a downtown hospital. Here was the situation: mom decided to have an epidural, this was always part of her plan. One of the downsides is that some women don't have a lot of sensation when it comes to pushing and although they are using a lot of energy, very little is moving that baby. The nurse was encouraging her and had her fingers in there to try and help her feel where to push - none of that was getting the baby lower. So here I explained to her what I wanted to do and she was open to giving it a try. Mom said she would try anything. We played tug of war. Mom pulled on one end and I on the other. Her core muscles engaged (ask your partner to play tug of war with you and see what happens to your abdominal muscles) and the baby started to come down! Even though she couldn't feel the difference about what her muscles were doing, they were working differently and before we all knew it, we were calling in the obstetrician to join us for the baby's birth. In a hospital, if there is a squat bar available, you can tie the rebozo to it and mom pulls and the bar gives her the resistance. This is a great way to have your hands available if other things are needed. 

Voila - two little tricks. Of course, you don't need to order a rebozo for your birth bag. Many doulas carry them with them, so ask yours if you aren't sure. If you don't have a doula, scarves (not the stretchy kind), bed sheets, or other linens can work. Just make sure they aren't slippery or too stretchy. 

How would you use the rebozo?

For once, auto correct was right!

We've all been there. You type something on your smart phone and hit send in a hurry. Then the person you are writing to writes you back confused because auto correct changed your message. Sometimes they are funny, sometimes annoying, but in my case, auto correct was right! 

I was writing a few tweets to other people on twitter a few days ago and it wanted to change the word "epidural" to "epidemic". I couldn't help but pause and see the irony and the truth in that statement.

Epidurals are becoming an Epidemic

Our epidural rates in hospitals are high, very high. I can walk into labour and delivery on any day and hear the silent sound of people labouring with epidurals. On my way into any hospital birth, I pass the nursing station where the nurses are gathered around the big TV screen where the information from your fetal monitor (part of having an epidural) is projected up on the screen for all to see. 

We see the footage of birth on television or movies where women are screaming, acting "crazy", kicking husbands out of the birth room. No one wants to behave like that - I get it. The epidural is one way we know as a culture to keep ourself "in check", quiet, and calm. 

We aren't the only ones.

Some of our health care providers are losing familiarity with (and some have never seen) a birth that happens without interventions or an epidural. It has become the standard model of care. 

A few years ago, on my birthday, I attended a birth in a hospital where I met my clients in triage. We laboured there for hours with no one wanting to move her to a room. With all the people coming in and out, she didn't feel safe to make the noise she wanted and she was sounding like she was holding back. 

I made noise first. 

Sure, I wasn't in labour but it doesn't look (or sound) so silly when you are making noise with someone else. Soon enough, the three of us were singing the low moaning, sighing, labour song. 

And rushing in, like some thing was on fire, the nurse came in and said "you must be in so much pain!" Then my client went silent again. She told me how much better it felt to make noise but when she wasn't understood by her nursing staff, she zipped it shut. It took more to help her let go the second time and sink into what her body was telling her to do. 

That is part of how they are sold. It takes a lot of safety to let go and surrender into the moans of labour. It takes a lot of safety to let yourself feel your labour. After all, most of us ask at some point the burning question: Can I handle this? If you don't feel safe, like someone really understands what you are going through, what your body wants, then you (and maybe even your partner) may be afraid and reach for the only thing you and your team know to keep you calm. 

The toolbox of options is within your reach. This toolbox isn't normally found within our average, mainstream birth culture so you will need to venture out of the box a little bit but you don't have to go far. It will take you feeling safe enough in knowing what you want and speaking to the people who can support your wishes - and who believe in you, your wishes. 

To get an idea of what options are even available (some you have probably never heard of) - I want to offer you a free birth planning workbook so you can start to think about what you really want and what steps you might take to get there. 

If you have it already and still feel like you want some more help - talk to a childbirth educator or a doula who can help you take the steps forward, so you can give birth in a way that feels like you - because after all, that feels the safest. 

Birth as a teacher: Intuition

It was early Sunday morning when I got this phone call:"I think I need your help, my water broke." She continues to tell me about how the night before, she and her partner got all their birthing bag items together and had a feeling she should put down a towel on her bed before going to sleep. She woke up with her bag of waters broken and mild early labour cramping.

This is a great example of what can happen when we listen to that little spidey sense we feel. 

It can be hard to believe it sometimes and saying "trust your intuition" sounds simple and we would all nod, but in practice - nothing is as easy as it seems. 

If your and your intuition are distant acquaintances, I want you to take a few tips from the people who trust their intuition the most: children. 

Children don't have all the scientific facts behind them to do what they do and yet, they interact with the world in a playful and engaging way. 

Child tip #1: Break out the colours! 

It can be hard sometimes to express what our intuition is saying in words so take out the paint or pastels (oh that brings me back to elementary school) and draw, create, and have fun. Try drawing your ideal labour and just let drawing tell the story. Even more fun, draw with your partner or support team and see how all these ideas can come together. 

Child tip #2: Play outside

I know it is winter right now (and we don't have that much snow) but plan a nature walk or make a snowman. If you are reading this and it is summer where you are, why not go for a swim, throw rocks in a river or draw in the sand. 

Don't pressure yourself to get a clear message or expect to be able to snap your fingers and it all changes. Start small and just feel the wind or feel the snow. Be attentive to your 5 senses and see what you notice. 

Child tip #3: Start small

Watching a child grow, you know they don't pop out of the womb walking and talking. They smile, coo, roll over, and eventually make it to more complicated tasks. It is the same with your connecting to your intuition. If you get a small sense that you should move over, sway your hips, or call a friend, start there. Celebrate it (just like we do as our children accomplish these small things)! As you become more comfortable with it, it will take you to bigger and better places. 

What did your intuition teach you? 

If I could pick one word to take out of the birth room

Labouring with a client who is moving into active labour as she leans on her partner and I'm squeezing her hips, the nurse comes in and asks to do another exam. My client agrees and gets on the bed and the nurse, with her glove on does that classic "I'm doing a vaginal exam" look on her face (yes, there is such a thing!). She takes her hand out and mom is looking intently at her wanting to know what is going on. "So..." she says. The nurse replies "you are only 5cm my dear, 5 more to go". 

Later the doctor comes in to say hello and the nurse in the room gives her report over in the corner (and we overhear) - "the contractions are only coming every 4-5 minutes, maybe we should help things along?" 

If I could pick just one word to take out of the birth room, it would be the word "only". It is used in such context to imply that the work these mamas are doing just isn't good enough. There is no acknowledgement of the amazing transformation and powerful work that is happening before our very eyes. It is used in ways to control behaviour...and if you have ever pushed out a baby, when someone says "don't push" you want to look at them like they have 3 heads because your body is pushing for you whether you like it or not. 

Wouldn't that first sentence the nurse said feel very different if she simply omitted the "o" word?

"You are 5cm dear, 5 more to go" versus "You are only 5cm dear, 5 more to go." In this one, I feel the nurse sharing an energy of defeat, exhaustion, lack of confidence, impatience. 

In the second sentence, the word only actually makes the frequency of 4-5 minutes (which is totally normal by the way) feel even longer, drawn out even. 

The words that we choose have a powerful effect on those around us and birthing women are particularly susceptible. During labour, women often go into (what we affectionately call) labourland, she looks like she is in a different place than everyone else. Her biology is meant to have this happen when everything is on track. She will communicate less and less with words but rely heavily on the body language and the general energetic feel of the room. If she feels that people believe in her, she will keep going. If she gets the feeling that she is doing something wrong,  you may actually take her out of that special labourland and plop her right back into the bright lights feeling like she left her safe birthing place. 

How many times have we said to ourselves, even as we look back on our pregnancies and birth experiences..."if only I..." again, I feel this sense of defeat. Taking out that magic word again, "if I" actually feels to me like it is powerful, determined, and setting a course for what you want. 

How do you feel about the word "only"? Any other words you would take out of the birth room?

Why I don't like nursing pillows for newborns?

I walk into the house for a breastfeeding visit and mom diligently sits in her picked out chair, places the nursing pillow on her lap and helps the baby latch. More times than not, she leaning forward into the baby, her back hurts, her shoulders are tight and the latch needs work. 

The problem here is often her position. 

Ideally, we want the baby at breast level and this is where I get my beef for the nursing pillows. When you lay a newborn on it, they are often at mom's tummy. Moms assume that a nursing pillow is designed for nursing so this is the position they should have and then lean into the baby. 

To fix it: I put pillows underneath the nursing pillow or replace it with pillows from their bed. Layering until we get the right height. Sometimes I tweek it with rolled up receiving blankets or baby face cloths to get the nooks and cranies. 

I know we have it when I can see mom relax her arms, her shoulders drop, she doesn't need to hold her baby up and she isn't leaning forward. With less strain, often the latch improves. 

Birth as a teacher: Impermanence

We doulas often refer to birth as our teacher. No matter how many births I attend, each one teaches me a new lesson about life, love, relationships, patience. 

What you may know about me is that I practice yoga - although my practice isn't an everyday practice, despite my body's desire or schedule for that matter. Yoga itself holds many teachings and a friend of mine (who is a yoga teacher) posted on facebook that she was meditating on impermanence. For a moment, I reflected on it too.

The process of labour really emphasizes impermanence. The contractions come and go. The waves of tightening roll in and then fade. Just when you feel you can't handle it any more, the surge ends and you sink into a well deserved break. One moment, you are nauseous, the next it is gone. Near the end, you get hot and then cold and back again. You feel the burning sensation of the baby's head crowning and moments later you are holding your baby and overflowing with joy. 

Birth is also the sign of the end of pregnancy. The end of feeling the kicks and wiggles. The end of having your bladder used as a bunching bag. 

The good and the bad all come to an end. The end gives a chance for something new to start. A new contraction, a new life, a new moment of frustration or happiness. 

When we hold on to the old contractions, afraid to let it go or when we get stuck in the past, it is hard to move forward. Impossible. I can't take a step forward if I refuse to move my foot from the previous step I took. When birthing women can surrender to this impermanence, it allows the labour to flow, to grow and transform. It isn't weighed down or reigned in. It can progress. 

It isn't easy to surrender, to let go, to say goodbye. And yet, I want you to take only one thing into your labour with you:

Take it one contraction at a time. When it comes, know it will not last forever. When you reach the end, no matter how hard it was, let it go and welcome the minutes of relaxation to follow. Let it go. 

You can practice this daily. When something gets frustrating or you are holding on to something that isn't serving you, breathe out and let it go. Let it all go. If you want to explore with your voice, say it aloud "it is gone".