I also wanted to help change the way they are often done – pregnant women write them up, show them to their partner, and that’s it. You and your partner are a wonderful team and to really be on the same page, it is important to do this work together. The more you can prepare for your options beforehand, the better you will both be for advocating for your wishes.

So, this is my gift to you – a free workbook for you to do at your own pace and provide you with a rough structure. The added bonus – the design is so simple that it is short enough for your health care provider to have the time to read it (another downfall of the ones that are checklists, just too long to read and hard to decipher).

Where can you find it? Right on the homepage. Take me to get my copy of the Birth Plan Workbook.

Yet the word surrender can bring up feelings of waving the white flag, giving up, and letting go of all your expectations, your hopes, and your dreams.

But there is a difference between choosing to surrender to your body’s power to birth your baby, which is a humble acknowledgement of the amazing work women’s bodies can do, and collapsing – this giving up with no hope, squashing your expectations as if they meant nothing to you.

To choose to surrender is still a choice and you can make that an informed one. Usually when a woman surrenders to her body, she stops fighting against it as if her mind and body were on two seperate teams. She sees the work that needs to be done and allows her mind to rest and to be her own witness, to take time to let this transition into a new person take place. With each wave of contractions she steps closer to a different way of life, to new responsibilities. It is a lot to take in when we consider the relatively short time labour takes compared to other big transformations one can go through.

Surrendering in labour is a humble acknowledgement, a deep understanding and trust in what you can do, and a choice you can make.

Congratulations on expecting a new baby! Yep, you are expecting too, even if you aren’t the one growing a bigger belly or getting kicked all night long.

I know labour is coming soon and that seems like no-man’s land. Whether it is your first or not, it can still feel like new territory and you aren’t in her shoes. You can only guess at what she is feeling from what she looks like or what she says, but keep reading, because you can actually go deeper.

I know you love your lady and it may be hard to watch her as she works so hard to bring your baby into the world. You care for her so deeply and you want her to have the best experience. Sometimes we suggest things in labour that may be counter intuitive, like getting an epidural to feel better, when it could actually make labour progress slower, and even make her believe that her body isn’t meant to birth her baby. Here is a secret: when her body starts those contractions, it also releases endorphins to help make her feel better. Don’t get me wrong, it can be a lot of work, but if you can believe in her and let her voice what she needs in that moment (pain medication or not), she will never forget that.

So I want to share with you what you can do to help her be strong in her mind and body and support her in the very best way you can. Afterall, she wants you there and even more importantly, she needs you there.

Remember, you bring something special to this birth – your love for her and your baby and no one in that room will be able to give her that gift. That love, those tender moments where you look into her eyes, when you whisper in her ear “I believe in you, you are strong” and “you are doing amazing” will help her confidence soar. It will also affect her hormones – you better believe it. It will help her body release the love hormone, oxytocin, that will help the labour progress. And if you can, sneak in a kiss

You also bring another beautiful gift – protection. That is your little bear cub and your vulnerable mama bear. You want her to feel like she has the space to move, to speak her mind, and to go within herself to do this amazing work. If you can keep her safe, answer questions to keep her in her “zone” and stop people from interrupting, you are giving her every chance to work with the tools she has for this journey.

It can be a lot to remember, overwhelming at times, hard to know what is normal and what is not. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I want you to remember this day fondly too because it is also your birth experience. I want you to be able to say that you supported her in the best way you could and together you made an excellent team. If you want a quiet third member, remember that a doula is always there for you. She can guide you, help you protect the sacred birthing space, and reassure you when something comes up.

Dad – know you are going to do great! I know you have been doing so much already. More help around the house, financial preparations, and maybe even some massages to help her feel better. Take a few moments to yourself, treat yourself to something special, and see yourself enjoying your birth.

Wishing you all the best in birth and beyond,

Your loving doula

Initially, my reaction was to fight it. I wanted to stand my ground and say “look wind, this is the way I am going and there isn’t anything you can do about it”. That was hard. The more I pushed to get through, the more it felt like it pushed me back, sometimes even literally. Then I noticed something – when I let go of my determination to go straight through but instead gave in a little, I was able to move with more freedom. Seemed a little strange but the more I gave, the further I went…in the direction I wanted. No power struggles, just two life forces doing their thing in harmony.

Of course, this all has a point. It got me thinking about birth and contractions (since that was a discussion point in class last night). When we fight those contractions, they are hard, even unbearable. We tend to get tense and tell them to follow our lead.

Yet we should be working on doing the exact opposite. When we let the contractions do their work, when we ride each wave with patience and surrender, our bodies can do it’s greatest work. Our bodies are so powerful, it can easily feel like those 90km/hr wind gusts, but if we let them do their jobs, we will find our way through the stages of labour with more ease, with more joy, and even peace.

If you are a partner who will be supporting a woman in labour, helping her surrdender to her body, to it’s innate wisdom to birth, and helping protect that space will be one of the most helpful things you can do. She will let you know when something isn’t working, whether she is using her words or not.

Try it – next time it is windy, or next time the wave of contractions (you can use those Braxton-Hicks contractions to practice), give yourself permission to surrender powerfully to the awe and beauty of it all. See how it feels when you stop resisting and start moving in the same direction.

We also have pictures being taken off of Facebook these days of women breastfeeding their babies because it is “sexually explicit content”. But what is being shared in those moments captured on film is nothing sexual, it is feeding and bonding.

So why am I adding my voice to all the fuss?

How do you know the baby is latched on correctly? How can you tell the difference between drinking and just sucking? How do you hold a baby at the breast? We learned the answers to these questions by having other women around us breastfeeding. Our mothers, aunts, siblings, but now our vision of babies being fed is using a bottle. In the last few generations, we have lost that transmission of information – so much so that we now pay for classes, lactation consultants, read books, watch videos, all to learn something that would have been shared by family and close friends. Of course, I teach classes to help you get started breastfeeding, refer to lactation consultants and books – but all because the information sharing has to start again.

When we keep breastfeeding hidden, it tells other women that it really isn’t okay, that you should be ashamed of the way your body works to nourish your baby.

Women who are breastfeeding aren’t trying to flaunt what they have; they just want to feed their baby. Many will wear layered clothing to minimize the amount of skin showing, nurse their babies before heading out, but when a baby is hungry, they are hungry. It is much easier for mom and baby’s stress levels just to let them nurse and be on their way. When a mother is nursing, you likely won’t see a whole lot of exposed breast since the baby’s head is in the way (and part of it in baby’s mouth).

We know the benefits of breastfeeding over formula and bottle feeding.

Now is the time to help women reclaim breastfeeding as the way to feed our infants.

Did you know that even though the majority of moms and babies leave the hospital breastfeeding, by 3 months, that number is significantly smaller?

Everytime a woman has the chance to see someone else feed (and I don’t mean intently watch her either), she gets to know that it is normal, natural, and beautiful. She sees the simplicity. She knows that it is possible for her too. And that is something worth sharing.

Then I began to wonder about what I would love to see. It would be amazing to see sustainable birth practices. What do I mean? I am talking about care that we can continue to provide, reliably that is mother and baby focused, that is empowering, that is healthy. I want to see birth practices that are respectful and see birth honoured, not medicalized, shamed, or leaving mothers feeling as if they are victims of a horrible attack.

That is a lot to ask for, and a lot to ask of one person.

So I will break it down and do my part and I hope that you will comment with something that you can do in 2012 to help birth practices become sustainable.

In 2012, I commit to:

- writing to my MPs about birth centers and midwives

- helping women and their loved ones learn about their birthing options through free talks, classes, my blog, social media, and doula care

- start making some you tube videos to share information with you in a visual way

- listening to what women want, what works, what is empowering and passing that on to those decision makers at the top of the food chain

- applying to sit on boards where I can make those voices heard

- doing a lunch and learn (or more) for some physicians and midwives about doulas and our training as well as our scopes of practice so we can all be players on mom’s care team

I’d love to hear your inspiration for other tasks this doula and mom of 2 can take on to change the world of birth and what you can do to support this big goal!

Another woman is examined at 6 cms and doing well. Someone she wasn’t expecting walks in the room and she shuts down. Her next exam reveals she is at 4cms.

I’m not the only witness to labour progress doesn’t follow a straight line or even backwards. It was well known to nurses when they would stay with the labouring woman. This information wasn’t written in medical texts.

When labour progress reverses, this is a sign that the woman has some internal work to get through. Sometimes it is a past experience (birth related or not), sometimes she is hanging on until her partner arrives, and other times it can be triggered by someone saying something unpleasant.

Labouring is in a different part of our consciousness. It is almost like women create a circle of safety and sacredness around them. When others intrude on that sacred space, they no longer feel free to do what helps them birth their babies but instead focus on the elephant in their circle.

I had the pleasure this year of seeing Ina May Gaskin and listening to her as she addressed a room of birth professionals. She is an amazing midwife and author in the United States. She exaplains the cervix like a sphincter. Imagine you had the urge to have a bowel movement. How would you perform if you had strangers in your room? Would it help if they yelled at you to push? Probably not. You would keep that sphincter shut tight until you felt safe and comfortable. Yet, our current birth practices expect us to perform under such pressures.

But imagine being surrounded by familiar professionals who follow your lead. Who let you recognize your urge to push on your own, who let you move freely, and let you push as is comfortable for your body. Wouldn’t that feel different?

When we look at progress for labour and birth, safety and security physically and emotionally have to be there. No question about it. I still think about an early birth I attended as a doula where mom progressed to 3cms and stayed there for hours. Reflecting back – she had been told that if she didn’t have this induction, her baby was going to die. There was no test to say the placenta wasn’t working, all her tests were normal, baby’s heart rate was fantastic. How awful – and yet back then, I didn’t know how to make space for her as she carried this burden with her. Physically, we tried lots of things but the real work was in her heart. It was the second birth I attended and still think about her often.

I can recall countless births now where those emotional and safety triggers came into play. I can also recall the many ways I was able to make space for these women to share their burdens, to feel safe, to bring light to what would feel right for them in that moment.

Can it go backwards? Sure it can. Especially if we do not choose our words carefully, if we put pressure on the birthing woman, and if we don’t take care to be respectful of the sacred space of birth.

Yesterday, I got the dreaded call from my daughter’s school that she got hurt playing outside. She hit her head and was bleeding. I went over to pick her up and they had some ice on to bring down the swelling. After taking her home and cleaning it up a little to get a better look at her head, I found a pebble in the wound. Once I took it out, I could see the cut was much deeper than it originally appeared. I packed up some books to keep us entertained (because you never know how long the wait will be) and off to the hospital we went.

I am comfortable walking into those places because I love to have discussions with them and know how to ask questions that get to the point (because they are busy too) but also help me get my answers so I can make the best decisions for me and my family. Here are my favourites!

What are the benefits? I want to know how this will help and what results I will expect to see.

What are the risks? Is there something that I need to be concerned about or maybe it isn’t recommended for someone with particular medical conditions? Does it increase the likelihood of needing other treatments?

What are the alternatives? I like to know about my options (medical and non-medical) because one may work better for us or just feel better with our values and plans.

What would happen if we didn’t treat it or did nothing?

How much time do we have to think about it? This is my favourite question! Most medical decisions don’t need to be made right on the spot! Even 5-10 minutes can let you get some clarity about the situation.

My partner will even attest to me asking questions as I was signing a consent form for surgery for an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. These questions have become almost routine for me to ask now but it means that even walking into the emergency department (or urgent care like I did yesterday) that I can develop a relationship with the health care provider – one based on mutual trust and not on superiority.

Why would a dad want a doula?

Labours can be long. I have supported women who don’t have partners and it is hard work (and this is my profession)! Having the doula can help you work together, to be involved the way you want to be. The doula can remember to grab the hospital card or make sure you have the car seat while you help mom into the car. At the hospital, if paperwork has to be filled out by dad, mom would normally be left alone. With a doula, she now has someone she knows and trusts to be with and to help provide comfort measures. Once you are admitted to the hospital (let’s pretend you have an OB as your health care provider), your nurse will pop in for a few minutes but for the most part, you are left in your room alone. Just the two of you. This can be scary for both of you if you don’t know what is happening. Moms often make low roars, get uncomfortable, and a doula can walk you through how to help and reassure you that this is normal.

Does a doula interfere with the intimacy of birth?

Actually, it is quite the opposite. Especially for a birth in a hospital setting, it is easy to get swept away with the list of procedures, moving rooms, beeping monitors, and bright fluorescent lights. A doula can help you transform that into a private and intimate space that matches who you are and let you share these moments together (instead of dad trying to do all the work and mom labouring alone). You get to spend more time connected on the important stuff and leave the details to us! Of course, she also doesn’t need to stay right in your face. Alone time can help trememdously, so she will read your cues and leave to get you something to eat or drink and you can share some special moments together.

Is there a difference in care between what a dad and a doula can provide?

Sure there is but they work together…here is what I mean. Dads know mom better than the doula because they have been together longer. He loves her and no one will ever be able to take that place. When he can bring that into the birth space, it can actually help support a healthy labour. The doula doesn’t have the same emotional investment (although we do tend to shed a tear or two when we see what you have accomplished together) which means she can be that objective perspective when you need it. She is also experience in providing the supportive care required for birth and can guide dad to the the best support ever! She is familiar with the cahllenges of providing care in a hospital setting, how media impacts both mom and dad’s views and beliefs about birth, and even the psychology of birth.

What can a dad do to help get ready for labour?

I always joke that they should hit the gym (and in some cases when mom wants her hips squeezed for every contraction, it might be helpful). Here are some more serious suggestions. Talk openly about labour, birth, and life with baby. Listen and share your own fears, hopes, expectations, and forseen challenges. Learn what you can about all of these topics. Help mom practice comfort measures for birth before you actually have to use them. It helps to decrease fear and helps make these positions more natural for the body to use in birth. For your own sanity, make a plan to support the household after baby arrives – all the practical stuff: cleaning, meals, laundry, sleep, caring for pets. If you have to enlist help, do it early and hold them to it!

Here are some ways to help everyone sleep safely.

1) Keep baby in your room for the first six months. When they hear you breathing through the night, it helps their little brains to keep breathing too.

2) Sleep when the baby sleeps, even during the daytime. This will help keep you safe if you need to drive, keep you alert with your newborn, and even help your milk production!

3) If your baby is sleeping in a crib, it should have a tight fitted sheet over a firm mattress. That’s it. No bumper pads, no toys, no monitors in the crib.

4) If you are bed sharing with your baby, take a look at where your bed is in the room. Make sure that the baby can’t roll off the bed and keep pillows and blankets away from baby.

5) Temperature is important too. Keep an eye on how warm baby is feeling. If you touch the back of baby’s neck and they are clamy or sweaty, they are too warm. Take off a layer to help them cool off.

6) Feeding your baby formula puts them into a deeper sleep than they are biologically meant to be in. Keep breastfeeding your baby, even if it may mean waking a little more often. You can learn to breastfeed lying down so you can rest at the same time as you are feeding.